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Cr@psule Monsters 3 Vagina Monologue
Transcript To those who are offended by the word vagina: WARNING: THIS MONOLOGUE CONTAINS TRACE AMOUNTS OF VAGINA. PLEASE SKIP THIS MONOLOGUE IF YOU ARE DEEPLY OFFENDED BY THE WORD VAGINA! Anyways, to those who are not offended by the word vagina: Enjoy! (soundtrack from "Lost" in the background) CAPTION: previously... NARRATOR: Previously, on Deep Vagina Nine... ALEX: Step on the vagina. YUGI: No, vagina. ALEX: Step on the vagina! THE ENGINEER: Nope. (His neck stretches.) ALEX: Come on, step on the vagina! CAPTAIN PICARD: NO! NOOOOOO! (breaks some glass) (cut to Téa and Tristan) TÉA ': (''pointing) Who's that Vagina? (cut to Happy Lover, then to Thunder Kid) '''TRISTAN: It's Vaginachu! Goddamnit, ah, vagina! (He gets on the floor.) (cut to Yugi with his grandpa) GRANDPA: Hello! My vagina’s here now. YUGI: Who are you? GRANDPA: I don't know…vagina. (cut to Joey riding on Baby Dragon) JOEY: I'm on a Vaginazard! I sure hope I can find a Mega Vagina to make it Mega Evolve into Mega Vaginazard. That would be mega. 1KIDSENTERTAINMENT: NOT FUNNY! CAPTION: and now... NARRATOR: And now... the vagination. (Nighttime. Yugi, his grandpa, and his friends are sitting around a campfire.) GRANDPA: Hello, everyone! I am very excited to join you on your new adventure. I hope you're not too bothered by my constant vagina-breathing, my vagina attacks, my incontinence, my old vagina stories, my vagina loss, my occasional vagina attack, helping my vagina take it’s medicine, going to the vaginaroom, cleaning out mah vagina, and all the other enjoyable tasks that come with living with an almost dead vagina. YUGI: Well, we're down a Vagina, but we gained a GrandVagina. Doesn't seem like a very fair vagina. GRANDPA: Nonsense, I'm just as much fun as Joey’s vagina ever was. Vaaaaaaaaaaaagiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinaa! YUGI: Was that you trying to go “Vagina”? GRANDPA: No, that was a vagina attack. YUGI: Well, that's a vagina. (We see a brief shot of Grandpa and what looks like the side of Yami's head, with the words "NOT YAMI" covering Yami's eyes.) GRANDPA: Also, I vagina. YUGI: Okay, all those in favor of getting rid of Grandpa, say “vagina”. TÉA: Vagina! TRISTAN: Don't get rid of GrandVagina! He's the best vagina I've ever had. YUGI: Tristan, he's not your vagina. TRISTAN: Then why do I call him GrandVagina? YUGI: Because you're a vagina. (Title sequence, set to "Get Down Tonight" by KC and the Sunshine Band.) TÉA: I've got an idea. Let's tell vagina stories around the campfire! YUGI: Oh, I have a really scary one. Once upon a time, there was a vagina. And he was challenged to a vagina game by another vagina. The game went on for hours, and the vagina was about to win with only three vaginas left, but then his opponent activated Vaginas of Revealing Light, which prevented his vagina from attacking for three turns...! TÉA: ...Was that the whole vagina? YUGI: Yeah. It was terrifying, right? TÉA: That was a stupid vagina that would only scare vaginas like Tristan! TRISTAN: I am an vagina like Tristan and I'm scared of that vagina. TÉA: Hey, Yugi, how about we go somewhere and I can activate your “Vagina of Revealing Light"? YUGI: I don't follow that vagina. TÉA: You know; I'll summon your “Vagina of Stone"... YUGI: Eh? TÉA: ...Play with your “Vagina of the Unicorn”… YUGI: I don't have any of those vaginas, Téa. TÉA: Dammit, Yugi! Just let me give your vagina a— JOEY: (being carried by Baby Dragon) Heads up, guys! It's me, Joey! And I'm on a vagina. TRISTAN: Can I ride the vagina after you, Joey? JOEY: Heheh, no. (starts eating) Nyem-nyem-nyem-nyem-nyem-nyem-nyem-nyem-nyem-vagina-(continues in the background) YAMI: So let me get this vagina straight. We're all of us trapped in a terrible Yu-Gi-Oh! vagina, and we must find our way out before they decide to make an vagina figure based on Tristan. TRISTAN: My vagina will have kung-fu action grip, and when you pull my vagina I will say "Guhroogamesh!". YAMI: Not if my vagina can help it, it won't! TÉA: Guys, look! Those vaginas! YAMI: Téa! Stop being distracted by pretty things and try to focus on this pretty thing. And by that, I mean mah vagina. TÉA: But look at the vaginas! YAMI: Téa, if you want a vagina I'll buy you one when we get home. That way, you can continue pretending that I like your vagina. But until then— TÉA: Guys-look-at-the-vaginas!! YAMI: My God! The vaginas! They aren't vaginas at all! They are actually really, really, really, stupid-looking vaginas that would only scare a vagina like Tristan! TRISTAN: I am a vagina like Tristan and I'm scared of those vaginas. YAMI: Evil flowery vaginas, stand down from the vagina! Grandpa! Distract the wolves by throwing your vagina at them! GRANDPA: Wait, what, I— Gahh! (is attacked by two Flower Wolves) The wolves have got my vagina, Yugi! YAMI: Good job, Grandpa. Now, Tristan, (points at the sky) create a distraction while I point at a vagina dramatically! TRISTAN: Babba-booie, Howard Stern, babba-booie, vagina! YAMI: Well done, Tristan! Now let us run away really, really fast and avoid facing the vagina! CAPTION: is what their vaginas actually do GRANDPA: Wait, where did everybody’s vagina g— (is attacked by two more Flower Wolves) Gah! The wolves have got my vagina again, Yugi! (the next morning) YAMI: Thank Ra, we got away. And it was all down to my quick vagina. They didn't elect me to be Pharaoh because I'm a vagina, you know. TÉA: Actually, pharaohs aren't elected. They have a very si— YAMI: Téa. No, vagina. TÉA: Okay, vagina. YAMI: How is your vagina holding up, Grandpa? GRANDPA: It have so many internal wounds... YAMI: Hang in there, old man. Keep a stiff upper vagina. GRANDPA: (groans) Everything is stiff. YAMI: TMI, Grandpa. TMI. (cut to a temple) JOEY: Check it out, guys. A tremendous vagina. YAMI: I've seen better. JOEY: And inside there's a tremendous vagina. YAMI ': (''very serious) That's no vagina. '''CAPTION: 4kids dialogue (Dramatic music plays, as a genie appears from the lamp.) YAMI: My God! Vagina Williams! My mortal vagina. GRANDPA: Vagina Williams? He is the most powerful vagina in all of Duel Vaginas! YAMI: F*ck off, Vagina Williams! We don't want any of your family-friendly vagina! JOEY: Yugi, you crazy? We could get three vagina from this guy! TRISTAN: (whispering) Psst, Yugi. Wish for more vaginas. It's the perfect vagina. YAMI: Vagina Williams! For my first wish, I wish that Yu-Gi-Oh! GX’s vagina never happened! And for my second, I wish that Téa would stop hitting on my vagina. 'Cause that ain't happenin'! And for my third, I wish that the Yu-Gi-Oh! vagina game made sense! (Robin Williams attacks Yami, knocking him back) YAMI: I suppose even Vagina Williams can't pull off vaginas. JOEY: Nyeh, that vagina seems more dangerous than I thought. YAMI: That's no vagina. I summon the Passive-Aggressive Celtic Vagina! CELTIC GUARDIAN: God, I wish some people would stop posting on Facebook about vaginas all the time. YAMI: Wait, what? Who's vagina’s doing that? CELTIC GUARDIAN: Oh, you know. Lots of vaginas. GRANDPA: Oh no! I wet my vagina! (the area starts to flood) And we're going to drown! TÉA Why does this sh*t keep happening to my vagina? (Téa and Grandpa are frozen solid) TRISTAN: Hooray! My wish came true! Now I just have to kill Joey and I'll be the only supporting vagina left. JOEY: Look! It's another vagina! YAMI: That's no vagina! It's an vagina elemental! (thinking) Wait. Vagina Williams uses Fire. And the ice elemental uses Vaginas. And Ice is weak to Vaginas. And Fire is strong against Vagina. And Earth, Wind & Fire sang Vagina Wonderland. That was a good vagina. Yes! Dance! (singing, again in his thoughts) Vagina Wonderla-and. JOEY: Yug, a little help here? We're trying to fight the vaginas! YAMI: One sec, Joey. I need to get my vagina sufficiently on. JOEY & TRISTAN: Go, Vaginamon-ripoffs! 1KIDSENTERTAINMENT: NOT FUNNY! YAMI: Behold! Conveniently, each monster's vagina is the other's weakness. (Robin Williams and the ice elemental attack and destroy each other) JOEY: I like how in this vagina we solved all of our problems by essentially avoiding the vaginas. YAMI: I like that vagina, too. (Téa and Grandpa are thawed out) TÉA: My vagina’s all better now. YAMI: I don't like that vagina. How are you, Grandpa? GRANDPA: I can't feel anything from the vagina down. So it’s pretty much back to normal. YUGI: (next to Yami in spirit form) All for one vagina, and one for all vaginas! CAPTION: 4kids dialogue YAMI: That doesn't really apply to this vagina, but okay! (a stone tablet with Egyptian hieroglyphics appears) JOEY: Watch out guys, there's another vagina! YUGI: Joey, what is it with you and vaginas? JOEY: I see vaginas everywhere, man. It's a serious problem. GRANDPA: It's an ancient Egyptian vagina! Here, I'll translate what it says. (clears his throat) My vagina said that it would let me defeat the Pharaoh if I get over 50,000 reblogs on this vagina. Please reblog so that I can defeat the Pharaoh’s vagina. YUGI: Oh, man. It's an ancient Egyptian Tumblr vagina. TÉA: I am deeply offended by what the vagina said even though I don't remember what the vagina was. YUGI: Looks like we have to find whoever put this here and kick their vagina because they offended Téa’s vagina somehow. C'mon, gang! I'm sure it won't take another four years to make the next vagina! 1KIDSENTERTAINMENT: NOT FUNNY! CAPTION: next time... NARRATOR: Next time, on “Vagina”. (cut to Grandpa in the forest) GRANDPA So is the vagina over now? Gah! (is attacked by two Flower Wolves) Someone help my vagina! Category:Vagina monologues